In a surprise turn of events, the world’s football governing body has revealed that the Cosa Nostra has been chosen to host the 2016 corruption probe – by a unanimous ballot of ‘people with a Swiss bank account’. Despite what had been seen as a strong bid by the FBI, when the votes were counted, it transpired that everyone including the FBI had voted for the Mafia and signed their slip ‘love from – Sepp’.
Some journalists have pointed out that the Mafia has never run an investigation on this scale and appeared to be lacking the infrastructure or even ‘a basic understanding of the rules’. However, after a quick press conference and the distribution of few ‘horse’s heads’, it was agreed that the Mafioso were far ‘more approachable’ than Fifa’s Executive.
In seeking a fifth term, the incumbent President, Sepp Blatter, endorsed this open and transparent bidding process. A representative of Mr. Blatter said: ‘Protection rackets, election rigging, goal-line technology – we have a lot we can teach the Mafia. Equally, we will cooperate with their thorough investigation; providing them with signed merchandise, complimentary tickets and a pre-written report’.
Although seven football officials were arrested at a hotel in Zurich, FIFA are said to be confident that they will be exonerated by Franky Four Fingers. A spokesman explained; ‘We’ve been very impressed by the services offered by organised crime. They’re more au fait with the supply and demand of brown envelopes, than the FBI. And, unlike Qatar, these guys at least know how to cover up the deaths of migrant workers.’